What a crazy world we live in. Beautiful, dangerous, incredible. It is amazing to me how God created each tiny detail to work together with every other tiny detail. It grows and changes and functions. Sometimes it might seem like it "malfunctions". I don't think so.
I think that the world functions, primarily, in a natural way. God set it up to evolve and change, like we do, like our bodies do. He created it to explode now and then, volcanoes. Crack open and shake, earthquakes. Sometimes it floods, freezes and boils. But all of those things happen in the natural course of this planet that God created, with brilliance.
It can all be explained by science, of course. But science cannot explain how it was created. I know that God did it. He did it right. Yes, people die. Babies and innocent children, old people we love and middle aged people that we need. But everyone dies sooner or later. There is no promise of 90 years or even 9 years, days or minutes. That breaks our hearts. But the planet still spins.
God's plan still moves forward. That moves me in a deep way. I want to be a part of that plan. My life is so small. I wonder how many other lives I can touch in my tiny little ink blot of time here? Will I touch them in a good way, in a God way? Will I matter at all? Will my faith have made any difference? Will the dent I leave on this planet be a good one? Who will care, in 100 years, about me?
I don't especially care if anyone knows my name. Maybe I will be an old photo that makes someone smile. But I would like to leave a legacy. A legacy of love and service. I would like it A LOT, if someday, 100 or more years from now, a little girl, somewhere, with curly hair and brown eyes has an abiding peaceful love of her Maker, because of something I did or said to someone else in my life here and now. I have to make that mark on my son, or on someone, or it will never happen.
I am praying earnestly about that these days.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Pain
March is here. Spring is just around the corner. As much as I love winter, I am ready for this one to end. Although I would not mind one more snow fall. I know that makes me very unpopular in Tulsa!
I have had some ideas scrolling through my head lately. Mostly I have been wondering about the pain that we are all hiding. Don't we all have something painful that shaped us and causes us to behave a certain way? We all deal with it differently. Some of us eat, do drugs, abuse alcohol, lie, steal or do just ridiculous unrelated things to mask our pain caused by abuse, cruelty, depravation or neglect. Mostly, for me it is eating. So when you look at me, please, realize I am more than a fat girl. I am a soul, with pain. I probably won't share any or much of it with you. It is too personal and or embarrasing. So don't make fun of overweight people. It is probably more than just poor eating habits. When you are dealing with a control freak, try to be patient and imagine what sort of pain has led them to this behavior. He or she is probably desperatly trying to hold his/her world together with some small freakishly odd measure of control.
Lucky people realize what they are doing. They try to find a way to be healthy and function. I try to control my eating with my new habit, working out at the gym. But the stuff that makes me medicate with food is still in there. Needling me. What needles you? You don't have to tell me. Just think about it, and try to be be kinder to the people around you. Aren't we all just the walking wounded?
I have had some ideas scrolling through my head lately. Mostly I have been wondering about the pain that we are all hiding. Don't we all have something painful that shaped us and causes us to behave a certain way? We all deal with it differently. Some of us eat, do drugs, abuse alcohol, lie, steal or do just ridiculous unrelated things to mask our pain caused by abuse, cruelty, depravation or neglect. Mostly, for me it is eating. So when you look at me, please, realize I am more than a fat girl. I am a soul, with pain. I probably won't share any or much of it with you. It is too personal and or embarrasing. So don't make fun of overweight people. It is probably more than just poor eating habits. When you are dealing with a control freak, try to be patient and imagine what sort of pain has led them to this behavior. He or she is probably desperatly trying to hold his/her world together with some small freakishly odd measure of control.
Lucky people realize what they are doing. They try to find a way to be healthy and function. I try to control my eating with my new habit, working out at the gym. But the stuff that makes me medicate with food is still in there. Needling me. What needles you? You don't have to tell me. Just think about it, and try to be be kinder to the people around you. Aren't we all just the walking wounded?
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Maybe...
Maybe I am tired of worry.
Maybe I am tired of pressure.
Maybe the "big change" will be something I decide.
Maybe every failure will be someone else's problem for a change.
Maybe I, with God, will control my destiny.
After all, I am the only one who gets gray hair and looses sleep from my worries.
After all, I am the one who bends until she is about to break from the pressure.
After all, what do I have to lose? How much worse could it be?
After all, my efforts are not appreciated, so perhaps they should be redirected.
After all, He is really already in control, I just keep letting other people distract me.
Maybe I am tired of pressure.
Maybe the "big change" will be something I decide.
Maybe every failure will be someone else's problem for a change.
Maybe I, with God, will control my destiny.
After all, I am the only one who gets gray hair and looses sleep from my worries.
After all, I am the one who bends until she is about to break from the pressure.
After all, what do I have to lose? How much worse could it be?
After all, my efforts are not appreciated, so perhaps they should be redirected.
After all, He is really already in control, I just keep letting other people distract me.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Restless
I feel restless. I can't pin down why. Dissatisfied and anxious. Not panicky. Just Antsy. Grouchy, picky, agitated and well, just restless.
It feels like change is in the air. That can be good or bad. Maybe this is just Spring fever since the weather has been so pleasant for the past week. I cannot justify my mood and I can't explain. But change is brewing. We all know that change can be good or bad. Perhaps that is why I feel restless?
Now I have to wait. Keep busy, do what is right and wait. Tick, tick, tick...
It feels like change is in the air. That can be good or bad. Maybe this is just Spring fever since the weather has been so pleasant for the past week. I cannot justify my mood and I can't explain. But change is brewing. We all know that change can be good or bad. Perhaps that is why I feel restless?
Now I have to wait. Keep busy, do what is right and wait. Tick, tick, tick...
Monday, February 14, 2011
This week....
This week I would like to be the owner of a big 5 bay car wash.
I just visited one to wash the muck and grime of 2 weeks worth of nastiness off of the Taurus. OK, reality check, it was filthy before the blizzard hit, but it was beyond filthy this morning. Here is why...
A month ago I gave Jacob a $20 bill and told him to go to Wal-Mart Market and get a bag of Pedigree for the dogs. I got home and he had, instead, gone to his store, Warehouse Market, and gotten a big (bigger than big) bag of dog food, an off brand, for less than the medium bag of Pedigree. The dogs ate it one night. The next night they ate half of it. The next night they vomited all over the house. After that they literally went on a hunger strike. So we caved in and bought Pedigree for them and had the HUGE bag of gross dog food left. What to do? I can't bring myself to throw it in the trash. Kim said he would take it to Mohawk and feed the birds with it. Didn't happen. We had a blizzard instead. So during round 3 of our Snowstravaganza he decided to feed the starving birds in the front yard with the terrible dog food. How did they thank us? You guessed it. My car got poop bombed. It all looks just like that dog food, too. Thanks Birds, thanks Kim. Oh, and yes, thanks Jacob!
I just visited one to wash the muck and grime of 2 weeks worth of nastiness off of the Taurus. OK, reality check, it was filthy before the blizzard hit, but it was beyond filthy this morning. Here is why...
A month ago I gave Jacob a $20 bill and told him to go to Wal-Mart Market and get a bag of Pedigree for the dogs. I got home and he had, instead, gone to his store, Warehouse Market, and gotten a big (bigger than big) bag of dog food, an off brand, for less than the medium bag of Pedigree. The dogs ate it one night. The next night they ate half of it. The next night they vomited all over the house. After that they literally went on a hunger strike. So we caved in and bought Pedigree for them and had the HUGE bag of gross dog food left. What to do? I can't bring myself to throw it in the trash. Kim said he would take it to Mohawk and feed the birds with it. Didn't happen. We had a blizzard instead. So during round 3 of our Snowstravaganza he decided to feed the starving birds in the front yard with the terrible dog food. How did they thank us? You guessed it. My car got poop bombed. It all looks just like that dog food, too. Thanks Birds, thanks Kim. Oh, and yes, thanks Jacob!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
just a thought...
"You’ve equated God’s silence with his absence. He isn’t speaking in your relationship with a friend. He isn’t showing up in your marriage. He isn’t leading in what is next for your career. He is silent and feels absent.
But God’s silence is not God’s absence. God’s hiddenness is not abandonment.
You are not alone. No matter how silent God is for you right now…He is not absent."
Justin Davis
Emily shared this with me today... Thanks Em.
*Sigh*
It is one of "those" days. Work has not gone well today. I feel unappreciated and well, just spent. Don't you hate to be compared to someone else and found to be lacking? I feel like I have value of my own. Not like anyone else. SHE is not my yardstick. I measure myself elsewhere. I resent someone using her against me. We are friends, she and I. When you smack me with her, it hurts us both. So measure me on my own merits and demerits, please. Not against her.
OK, moving on...
I was thinking today about my Grams. She is 89, soon to be 90. She made me who I am, second only to God. She is fading. Like a picture from an old album. She used to be bright, sharp and colorful. Now I see confusion, fear, and apathy. She has mentally surrendered... to what? I don't know. I do wish I had captured more from her before she faded. We did not take the time, and she did not like to talk about her feelings very much. Mostly, she would answer your questions, and now and then start talking. But mostly she listened. I wonder what I did not hear. What did I miss?
Wow! What a depressing post. I hope you had a better day than me!
OK, moving on...
I was thinking today about my Grams. She is 89, soon to be 90. She made me who I am, second only to God. She is fading. Like a picture from an old album. She used to be bright, sharp and colorful. Now I see confusion, fear, and apathy. She has mentally surrendered... to what? I don't know. I do wish I had captured more from her before she faded. We did not take the time, and she did not like to talk about her feelings very much. Mostly, she would answer your questions, and now and then start talking. But mostly she listened. I wonder what I did not hear. What did I miss?
Wow! What a depressing post. I hope you had a better day than me!
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