Sunday, August 28, 2011

Taking Them for Granted...

I was thinking this week about how fast you can lose someone you love.  Life changes so rapidly.  What you have today could be gone tomorrow.  God gives us no guarantees that we will have the people we love for as long as we want them. 

I find myself taking my family and friends for granted.  "Take for granted".  What does that even mean?  I am just thinking this out...  When I hear the word "granted", I think of a wish.  As in, "your wish has been granted!"  As in, you have what you always wanted.  So if you have what you wanted, and you take them "for granted", it seems it means that you assume they are yours.  Your possessions.  A part of your life that you get to keep.

I can find no such guarantee or promise.  Kim is not mine, neither is Jacob.  I can't own anyone, not really even my dogs!  They are here on loan to me, as I am on loan to them.  Who will go first?  Who will be left behind, the last person standing?  As a parent, I pray that is Jacob, and that God will "loan" lots of other precious people to him.  So that when someone gets called home, he will have others with him to comfort him.

My thoughts wander back to "the last person standing".  That thought takes me right to my Grams.  She is 90 years old now.  Her husband died over 20 years ago.  Her friends have all passed away.  Lee and Rudy, Vick and Thelma, Pete and Marge.  Lots of others.  All gone before her.  Now she is alone with her children, four of them.  Her grandchildren, 10, I think.  Her Great-grandchildren, I know of 17.  And even two Great-great-grandchildren, maybe more.  And yet she feels so alone.  She is wealthy beyond reason, if her offspring are her treasure.  She has a very rich legacy.  I wish she could see that, and feel blessed.

So back to the "taking for granted" thought.  I want to remember how blessed I am to have such wonderful people in my life.  My family, my friends, even my silly dogs!  I have a rich legacy, too!  I am thankful for all that God has loaned me.  I don't know how long I get to have you on loan, but whoever you are, I am thankful for your part in my life.  Thank you for helping me build a legacy.  If I check out before you do, just be happy that we got a chance to be family, or friends.  We are blessed.               

Sunday, August 21, 2011


I hate it when I notice qualities about myself that are unattractive that I never noticed before.  Even worse, when someone else points it out to you.  It sure hurts to look at yourself and see painful, ugly qualities that you have stubbornly refused to see for a long time.  That deep, raw look you take in the mirror can be brutal.  And for me, just the thought that other people could see it so clearly, and I couldn't feels so awful.  It makes my heart hurt, or maybe my pride hurt, to think about what I was doing.

But isn't a good hard look at yourself pretty important?  No matter how ugly your reflection is, I think you have to do it now and then.  Maybe you need someone to prod you, like I did.  Someone to nudge and poke you into seeing what they see.  Or maybe even throw it at you in a moment of painful confrontation.  What everyone can see.  Everyone but you.  But me.

It hurts to know that I have qualities that ugly.  I get to thinking sometimes that I am good enough.  That I am better than average.   Just another reminder that there was only EVER one perfect person.  I know I will be forgiven, and I am thankful, but still just feeling a little bruised.  

School Days...

My last post was about Summer.  Well, it is still Summer.  I just can't seem to summon any sort of enthusiasm about it any more.  I am so ready for September, October and November.  Those are my favorite months of the year.

School starts tomorrow.  The first day, of the last year of Jacob's Tulsa Public Schools education.  Seems like it was just a few years ago that I was holding his hand on the way into Kindergarten at Hoover.  Time flies.  He is mostly grown up now.  Just by appearances he is fully grown.  But I know he still has some growing to do.  He will be 18 in just a little over a month.  That will be the end of an era for me as a mom.  I have been trying to let go of some of my control.  But I still want to be the boss of everything.  Such a struggle for me.  I picked out his clothes for the first day of Kindergarten.  Now there is so little that I choose for him.

I wonder if he would let me choose his outfit for tomorrow?  Ha!  I wonder if he would be embarrassed that I called it an "outfit".  No doubt, it will be t-shirt and shorts.  Poor kid.  His bad mom did not order him any new school shoes yet.  You would think after 18 years, I could get that right for his Senior year!   Starting the senior year Holy is one thing but with holey shoes is quite another.  I guess he will survive.

I am feeling sadder about it than I thought I would.  I am not one to get too sentimental about stuff like this.  But he is my one and only child.  This will be our last year like this.  With me in charge.  Am I really moping about him growing up, or about losing someone I could control?