Tuesday, December 27, 2011

2011--A Year In Review

It would be nice if I were a musical person, or a songwriter and I could just write a song that would sum up my year.  I am thinking of that Billy Joel song, We Didn't Start the Fire.  But I am not, so I am trying to reflect upon what I have learned this year and as a whole, how I feel about the year.

Bad things first, so I can finish on a good note. As I think through the items that tally up on the bad side, I find it ironic that some of them will appear on both sides of the list.  Life is full of irony. 

Financially this was another staggering year.  It is just not going to get better for about another year, or possibly two.  We are working so hard to get back on top of everything that went wrong in years past that is so hard to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I find us still in a position of receiving charity.  I am humbled by this because my foolish pride wants to be in a position to GIVE to others.  It is much nicer feeling.  I am embarrassed by how low I have fallen.  It is ever so much harder to receive charity than it is to give it.  I hope someday, when I am again in a position to give, that I will remember how it feels and be sympathetic and sensitive to others.  God is working on my on this.  I can see what he wants me to learn, but I am stubborn and thick headed, so it is taking a long time for me to accept it.  

Pride makes an appearance again in this item.  Jacob.  He has decided to drop out of school.  That was a low blow for me.  I have probably been in denial about this for longer than I care to think about.  He has just not been a committed student for the last several years.  But he always told me that he WOULD graduate, no matter what.  I held onto that.  I took comfort in that.  But now it changes.  Upon examining my motives, I can see that pride is driving me again.  I did not want to be the mother of a drop-out.  To be honest, I still don't.  I know that Jacob has above average intelligence.  It hurts me so much that he won't apply himself.  But I guess that is back to me.  I have to move that pride thing out of the way and try to let Jacob focus on Jacob and what he wants from life.  I have to let that go.  It has to be his choice.  I can no longer chose for him.  Sigh.

Work.  I want to quit my job so bad it hurts.  The pressure and stress just seem like too much.  I find I don't pretend to get excited about it any more.  I won't play the games any more.  I am just so negative about this part of my life.  I know it is time for a change, but referring back to the financial paragraph above, making that sort of change at this point would be self destructive and stupid.  I need to keep my focus for a year or two longer.  At that point I will have more flexibility.  I just keep chanting to myself, you can do this, you can do this.  I am strong.  I can do almost anything that has to be done if I keep my focus.

Enough of that painful stuff!  On to the good!

I am blown away by the generosity of others.  My brother-in-law paid to fly my sister and I to Pennsylvania to see by brother and his family.  I know there were dozens of other ways he could have spent that money.  I am so thankful for the chance to get to know my 2 nieces and nephew there.  They are amazing and I will never forget how much fun we had there.  Even the time spent with my amazing sister is  an incredible gift.  We usually see each other when we are surrounded by family and distractions.  We had a lot of fun during our trip and I am so glad we had the time to talk and laugh.

We were nominated by a work friend. Kristy to have a new furnace installed in our home.  Hopefully they will be doing that this week.  What a blessing.  I did not know how we would  be able to do that for several more years.  The cost of a new unit would be beyond our reach for several years.  I am so thankful to Kirsty, Channel 6 and Airco for chosing us.  Just WOW!

Health.  This has been a much better year for our health.  I had surgery last year and it dramatically improved my health.  I feel so much better.  When I read what I just typed, I am at a loss as to how to convey what a difference this surgery made for me.  I feel like I can do ANYTHING now!  I feel better than I have in 20 years.  I don't think I even knew how bad I felt.  Kim is doing well too.  No more problems with his foot.  He keeps a close eye on it, and is constantly baby-ing it so that another problem will not crop up.  But he has been able to keep it under control for most of this year.  That is a big deal because his diabetic ulcers have ruled our house for the past 5 years or so.  I am so thankful for good health.

Jacob.  I am so proud of him.  He always makes me laugh.  Even when I am mad at him.  I am so filled up with love for him, and am so thankful that God blessed me with him.  I hope I have been a decent mom to him.  I wish I could do parts of his childhood over.  I wish I could give him more.  But I know I could never love him more, so I succeeded at that!  

Friends.  Amy, Necia, Kathy, Nettie, Emily, and so many others.  What would I do without you?  Thank you for keeping my feet on the ground and talking me off the cliff of despair so many times.

There you are, the good and the bad, all together.  Goodbye 2011.  Thanks for the memories. I am glad you are leaving, but thankful that you were what you were.               

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Negativity **WARNING** NEGATIVE CONTENT!! Read at your own risk!

October is here.  My favorite time of the year has arrived.  I should be happy.  Suddenly I find myself getting sucked into a hole of negativity.  I don't like it.  I am an optimist.  I am a happy person.  I do know why this is happening.  First, things are catching up to me.  Bad things.  Things I should have done and did not do.  Also, it seems that when things start to go wrong, it snowballs.  I am attracting bad stuff on top of other bad stuff.  Some of it I totally deserve, some of it is random.  Last, work has been bad lately.  I am expected to do the job of 3 people.  I am pretty good at my job, and I can do that sort of thing for a few days, but it has started (after close to 6 weeks) to catch up to me.  Anyway you slice it, I am tired of it.  I want to be positive and up beat again.  I am tired of stress and worry.  I want to fling it off like I fling off the blankets in the middle of a hot flash at night (lol).  But I just can't seem to shake it loose. 

I hear people who say, "In the name of God, I reject this..."  Why I can't I just speak this nonsense into oblivion?  I have asked this question before, and I still struggle with it.  How do I give this burden to God?  How can I just turn lose of something so personal?  Something that I mostly deserve.  It is not God's problem.  I know He is willing to listen, but what do I do to give it to Him?  Can I just pack it up in a suitcase and drop it off at the gates of heaven?  The problem is still here all around me.  The worry is picking at me.  Poking me and cropping up.

I know my life will never be free of worry.  Life is a series of up's and down's.  I am just really sliding down, quickly right now. 

My first post in a while.  Reading back over it, I feel the need to apologize.  So, here I go.  Sorry. this is depressing.  Maybe I will feel better by venting.  This is also a journal of sorts for my life, so maybe in a few years I can look back on this time and see how far I have come.  Maybe I will be so thankful to God for getting me past this.  So I am going to post it anyway, with a warning.             

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Taking Them for Granted...

I was thinking this week about how fast you can lose someone you love.  Life changes so rapidly.  What you have today could be gone tomorrow.  God gives us no guarantees that we will have the people we love for as long as we want them. 

I find myself taking my family and friends for granted.  "Take for granted".  What does that even mean?  I am just thinking this out...  When I hear the word "granted", I think of a wish.  As in, "your wish has been granted!"  As in, you have what you always wanted.  So if you have what you wanted, and you take them "for granted", it seems it means that you assume they are yours.  Your possessions.  A part of your life that you get to keep.

I can find no such guarantee or promise.  Kim is not mine, neither is Jacob.  I can't own anyone, not really even my dogs!  They are here on loan to me, as I am on loan to them.  Who will go first?  Who will be left behind, the last person standing?  As a parent, I pray that is Jacob, and that God will "loan" lots of other precious people to him.  So that when someone gets called home, he will have others with him to comfort him.

My thoughts wander back to "the last person standing".  That thought takes me right to my Grams.  She is 90 years old now.  Her husband died over 20 years ago.  Her friends have all passed away.  Lee and Rudy, Vick and Thelma, Pete and Marge.  Lots of others.  All gone before her.  Now she is alone with her children, four of them.  Her grandchildren, 10, I think.  Her Great-grandchildren, I know of 17.  And even two Great-great-grandchildren, maybe more.  And yet she feels so alone.  She is wealthy beyond reason, if her offspring are her treasure.  She has a very rich legacy.  I wish she could see that, and feel blessed.

So back to the "taking for granted" thought.  I want to remember how blessed I am to have such wonderful people in my life.  My family, my friends, even my silly dogs!  I have a rich legacy, too!  I am thankful for all that God has loaned me.  I don't know how long I get to have you on loan, but whoever you are, I am thankful for your part in my life.  Thank you for helping me build a legacy.  If I check out before you do, just be happy that we got a chance to be family, or friends.  We are blessed.               

Sunday, August 21, 2011


I hate it when I notice qualities about myself that are unattractive that I never noticed before.  Even worse, when someone else points it out to you.  It sure hurts to look at yourself and see painful, ugly qualities that you have stubbornly refused to see for a long time.  That deep, raw look you take in the mirror can be brutal.  And for me, just the thought that other people could see it so clearly, and I couldn't feels so awful.  It makes my heart hurt, or maybe my pride hurt, to think about what I was doing.

But isn't a good hard look at yourself pretty important?  No matter how ugly your reflection is, I think you have to do it now and then.  Maybe you need someone to prod you, like I did.  Someone to nudge and poke you into seeing what they see.  Or maybe even throw it at you in a moment of painful confrontation.  What everyone can see.  Everyone but you.  But me.

It hurts to know that I have qualities that ugly.  I get to thinking sometimes that I am good enough.  That I am better than average.   Just another reminder that there was only EVER one perfect person.  I know I will be forgiven, and I am thankful, but still just feeling a little bruised.  

School Days...

My last post was about Summer.  Well, it is still Summer.  I just can't seem to summon any sort of enthusiasm about it any more.  I am so ready for September, October and November.  Those are my favorite months of the year.

School starts tomorrow.  The first day, of the last year of Jacob's Tulsa Public Schools education.  Seems like it was just a few years ago that I was holding his hand on the way into Kindergarten at Hoover.  Time flies.  He is mostly grown up now.  Just by appearances he is fully grown.  But I know he still has some growing to do.  He will be 18 in just a little over a month.  That will be the end of an era for me as a mom.  I have been trying to let go of some of my control.  But I still want to be the boss of everything.  Such a struggle for me.  I picked out his clothes for the first day of Kindergarten.  Now there is so little that I choose for him.

I wonder if he would let me choose his outfit for tomorrow?  Ha!  I wonder if he would be embarrassed that I called it an "outfit".  No doubt, it will be t-shirt and shorts.  Poor kid.  His bad mom did not order him any new school shoes yet.  You would think after 18 years, I could get that right for his Senior year!   Starting the senior year Holy is one thing but with holey shoes is quite another.  I guess he will survive.

I am feeling sadder about it than I thought I would.  I am not one to get too sentimental about stuff like this.  But he is my one and only child.  This will be our last year like this.  With me in charge.  Am I really moping about him growing up, or about losing someone I could control? 


Sunday, June 26, 2011

Summer Thoughts...

Summer has officially begun.  I can sure tell.  The heat is on, and everyone is traveling or making plans to travel.  That alone makes this time of year exciting.  However, sometimes it seems more like my family is all making plans to go our seperate ways.  I suppose that is all a part of Jacob growing up.  When he was little, I would never dream of going away for any length of time without him.  Or if I did take a short trip, it would be excruciating.  So far this summer, Jacob is heading out to Texas for a few weeks.  I am going to Pennsylvania for a few days, then off to Texas to fetch the boy.  There is no telling what else will crop up.  Summer is still young.  Maybe Kim and I can find some time to get away somewhere cooler. 

Since I did not grow up in a traditional American family.  I never had the chance to experience the "family vacation" I have heard others describe.  Packing up the station wagon and loading the kids in for a trip to Yellowstone, or the Grand Canyon.  I feel like I missed out since I didn't get the chance to bicker with my siblings in the back seat.  You may roll your eyes and say that I did not miss much, but I bet those memories are precious to you.  They should be.  I feel like I may have missed out on something crucial, something that I can't share with Jacob.  I guess that is ok.  I have other, more important things to share.

I was thinking some deep thoughts lately about child abuse.  Do the scars that are left from the absence of somthing leave as deep damage and shape us as much as the scars left from actual impact?  Who hurts worse?  The child who was physically abused, or the child who was neglected?  I don't know.  Is there really a "worse" in a situation like that?   I have known both kinds of kids.  I don't really classify myself as either.  I had some bad moments in childhood, it you might even call my childhood tragic.  But I don't think I was ever really abused.  But I saw it.  I lived with it.  It slept in the same house.  Both kinds. Both are ugly and damaging.  Deeply damaging.  One of those bad gifts that keep on giving.   

Probably if you were a victim of one or the other you would think it was whatever you experienced.  My siblings and I were neglected a bit by our mother, who was mentally ill.  But it never felt like she abandoned us.  I feel that she always loved us.  I never once doubted that.  Our Grandparents loved us.  Their home was a safe haven of food, and attention.  My father deserted us and I don't believe he loved us, but since I never knew his presence I don't think I missed it much.  At least not until it was time to make an adult relationship of my own.  Missing out on a father made me confused and awkward.  I floundered.  I wonder if is the same for boys who don't have a mother?  Thank God, Jacob has both.  We are so flawed, but both present in his life.   Hopefully that will be a better gift, and hopefully Jacob can pay it forward in an even better way to his child or children.

Well this was sort of RANDOM and depressing as I read back over it.  But at least I posted.  That means I won, again!      

Monday, June 20, 2011

Nothing to say....

I finally have my computer back.  I have all evening to think of something to say.  But I have nothing to say.  This is so..... underwhelming.  I guess I'll just say.... later.  But at leasted I blogged.  So, I won at that.  Write that down.  I won.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Pretender

My sister, Debbie, posted this a while back on her blog.  These are her words about our experience growing up in a children's home.

We had food, a roof over our head and a bed to sleep in, the things that would keep a child’s body safe.

The ones that could have been our examples went in their room each night and shut their door. They closed up their hearts and left us to cling to each other.

We were wounded and broken. We were not shown our individual value.

All of us had dreams, some were grand but most were simple.

It was our spirits that begged for attention. We knew they never expected us to succeed.

We were all scattered at different times to different places. It has been amazing when we find each other again. There is a joy that we feel to know that another of us made it out.

We all have heard the same response when people hear our story. “You seem so normal to have had such a horrible childhood.” But we are not normal.

We just became very good at hiding our pain. No matter how hard we try to cover up where we came from it cannot be changed. We were the unwanted. No matter what we succeed at we never believe we are good enough. How can we be? We were the thrown away trash.

The strong personalities and the stubborn will are the tools we used to pull us up so we could show everyone that we do have value. It started as a front to show the world. It becomes a wall that we make everyone face, even the ones we love.

Debbie hit the nail on the head.  Sometimes I feel like a survivor of some sort of tragedy.  I can only imagine a small piece of what others feel who also go without food and shelter.  At least we had that. 

But don't all kids deserve just that little bit more?  Don't they deserve to be held accountable for their choices, and be asked to rise to a certain level of behavior and achievement?  Would it be so hard to listen to what they say?  I feel like the bar was set really low for us.  So when someone gets to know me and they notice that I can hold down a job they are amazed. 

What might have happened if someone had cared just a little more?  Asked me how my day was? Quizzed me on my times tables for math?  Heck, maybe even gave me a hug?  Maybe I wouldn't think that I have to solve all my problems myself, alone, without even God to count on.  Maybe I would be able to do mental math instead of counting on my fingers (sneakily).  Maybe my physical personal space would not have to be quite so big. 

Am I stronger?  I don't know.  Probably not.  I am just a really good pretender.       

Thursday, April 21, 2011

100 things about me....

This was inspired by my friend Nellie.  It was hard, too!

You should try it!

1.       I do not like to exercise.  But recently started doing it anyway.
2.       I love food.  Eating makes me happy, soothes me, cheers me, and comforts me.
3.       I love to read more than almost anything.  Only fiction.
4.       I have a wonderful supportive husband, Kim.  He is just right for me.
5.       I have a son, Jacob who is 17.  He amazes me and makes me laugh.
6.       I do not like chocolate cake.  NO.THANK.YOU.
7.       Nothing smells better to me than baking bread.
8.       Breaking an addiction to QT Vanilla Cupcake cappuccino almost broke me.
9.       God has been my friend for many years.
10.   I love people, but strongly suspect that people secretly don’t like me.
11.   I stupidly worry a lot about what people think about me.
12.   I have 3 dogs, two are big, Bonnie and Clyde, one is smallish, Pixie.
13.   My Grandmother is 89. She has had a hard life, but just keeps going.
14.   I have an older brother and sister, 3 half brothers and 2 foster brothers.
15.   I lived in a children’s home from Second grade through 5th grade.
16.   I lived in a foster home from 6th grade until I graduated from High School.
17.   I really wish I could be a homemaker.
18.   My foster mother was amazing lady.  I would love the chance for one more day with her.
19.   Burgundy/Maroon is my favorite color.
20.   The number 25 is my favorite number.
21.   I regret that I haven’t had the chance to get to know my brother’s kids in Pennsylvania.
22.   I love babies.  Sigh.  I really do.
23.   My favorite season is Fall.  The trees and the colors just make me so happy.
24.   I am constantly amazed at how God has moved in my life.
25.   I have secrets.
26.   My sister, Debbie is amazing.  I love her with all my heart.
27.   I played basketball in high school and fantasize about playing again.
28.   I was a really bad basketball player, but in my mind, I was awesome.
29.   It really hurts me when people who I thought loved me walk away.
30.   Sometimes I forget to be careful of other’s feelings.
31.   Coffee on a cold morning is a comfort, but only if I have cream and sugar!
32.   I get really grouchy when I get hot.
33.   My senior year of high school really was one of the best years of my life.
34.   I love to knit, sew, cook, embroider, or just anything creative.
35.   Mean people make me very angry.
36.   I very often forget to pray.  My focus is weak.
37.   Studying other religions is fascinating to me.
38.   When I see an old house, I want to know the story of its life. Who lived there, when and why?
39.   Most of the people in my family are very mischievous, I am no exception.
40.   I like to make people laugh, but often get carried away.
41.   I desperately want to be a light for God, but worry that more often I cast shadows.
42.   I have very little will power when it comes to my diet.
43.   I won’t show my toenails unless they have been painted.
44.   I used to KNOW I was smart, now I KNOW how little I will ever know or understand.
45.   I often feel helpless and frustrated.
46.   I have a lot of questions for God.  Just a lot.  
47.   I usually think that you need to know what I think.  So it pops right out of my mouth.
48.   Pasta, pasta, pasta.  I love you pasta.
49.   I crave security.
50.   I don’t care what kind of car you drive.  It surprises me that people think anyone cares.
51.   In my dreams, I can fly.
52.   My father is still living, but I have not seen him or spoken to him in over 20 years.
53.   I am not afraid to die.  But I don’t want any pain.  Ha!
54.   I do not like artificial sweetener.
55.   I love Sharpies.
56.   My mother lives in a nursing home.
57.   I am not afraid of germs.  Bring it!
58.   Rolo’s are my drug of choice.
59.   Bacon. 
60.   I flipped off Santa when I was a child.
61.   I love Survivor, the television show.
62.   Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
63.   I am extremely allergic to poison ivy and get it nearly once a year.
64.   Sock monkeys creep me out.  They are the “Chuckie” of stuffed animals.
65.   I can’t grow stuff.  I kill plants.
66.   My mother has schizophrenia and I am afraid sometimes that I do too, and no one is telling me.
67.   I do not visit my mother as often as I should, this produces guilt.
68.   Baby giggles, OH YEAH!
69.   I don’t like to be late, and rarely am.
70.   I like thunder storms.
71.   My finances depress me.
72.   I do not like being tall.
73.   I am very loyal.
74.   I am ashamed of my house.
75.   I think it is creepy when people say “sexy”.
76.   I sneeze a lot.  No, really, a lot.
77.   I usually cry every time I think about my foster mom. There, just teared up typing this.
78.   I like to go shopping.
79.   Cinderella was my favorite story as a child.
80.   My name is not Lisa.
81.   I love country music.
82.   I find myself attracted like a magnet to funny people.
83.   I like the smell of Liquid Paper.
84.   My best friend lives in Texas.  I miss her.
85.   Sometimes I text and drive.
86.   I love to travel.
87.   I have to doodle when I am on the phone, or listening to people talk.
88.   I do not like to drink from a plastic cup unless I have a straw.
89.   I could easily eat potatoes with every meal.
90.   I am so happy we have email.
91.   I have little ears.
92.   Sometimes if I get really mad, I throw stuff.
93.   I am very sad that Jacob does not like to read.
94.   I know I have a guardian angel, and he is good at what he does.
95.   I try really hard not to have an “entitled” attitude, but sometimes, I think I deserve more.
96.   I have disappointed many people in my life, and that breaks my heart.
97.   I wish I could go back to college.
98.   I like to talk to elderly people about their lives.
99.   I love prairie stories, like Little House on the Prairie.      
100.  I like to draw pictures.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Brunch at Sarah's, a Restaurant Review

This is my first official restaurant review.  Quite possibly my only one.  We'll see.

Today I had lunch at a local restaurant called Brunch at Sarah's.  Someone had brougnt a menu by our office and since it is located just down the street from the office at 80th & Yale, I thought it would be a great place to try.  I have to be honest here, I have never reviewed anything, and I don't know if there is a preferred format or what.  So I will just do it how I want.

First, what is offered.  A variety of breakfast and lunch items, including omelets, eggs, wraps, pancakes, waffles, soups and sandwiches.  The bread is from Farrell Natural Breads, which is right next door.  Very convenient and fresh.

Next, what I ate.  The Cranberry Orange Club on whole wheat.  Smoked ham & turkey, cheddar and Swiss cheese, hickory smoked bacon, cranberry orange sauce, spinach, red onion & tomato.  It comes with a choice of sides.  Fries, potato chips, mixed fruit, potato salad or pasta salad.  I chose fries.  I had a moment of weakness when I went to pick up the to-go order and popped for a cranberry oatmeal walnut cookie.  The lady who rang me up said she had just made them and they were fresh and delicious.  Last but not least, and icy cold Pepsi to wash it all down.

The review:

I will start with a small critique and get that out of the way.  Best to end on a good note.  This is tiny.  Very small.  Well two, ok 3 little complaints.  When I was ready to call in the order, there was no phone number on the menu.  I said tiny!  No big deal, I can google!  Next, no pickle!!!  It was supposed to come with a pickle spear and I was robbed of my pickle.  This was a little traumatic, I admit, because I have a special feeling about pickle spears, but I will get over it.  Last, when I asked my friend what she thought of her lunch (which was identical to mine) she said there was an awful lot of meat on the sandwich.  Now, I don't think it is fair to complain about that, too much???  So let's just forget that one.  I will throw in one last concern.  I like to keep my lunch budget small.  I am just a poor girl.  Eating out is a splurge for me.  I usually pack my lunch, and this cost about double what I would normally pay for my lunch when I do eat out.  The sandwich & fries were $7.99.  I was a little dubious for that reason, but fear not!  The sandwiches are HUGE!  Really more like a sandwich and a half.  You can easily split this between two people making it quite economical.

Here comes the good part.  It was delicious!!  The bread is nicely toasted and tasted good enough to eat alone.  The spinach and tomato were fresh.  The cranberry orange sauce added a nice tangy zip.  The meat had a nice smokey taste, that contrasted nicely with the zippy sauce, and there was NOT too much.  I mentioned before that the portion was huge, so this is more than most people (except Jacob) eat for lunch, but I forced myself to eat it anyway, it was too good to leave.  I had to leave some of the fries which were crispy and delicious, too.  The cookie, oh the cookie!  JUST.GO.EAT.ONE.  My word, I have a new addiction!  A side note, there was a lady checking out as I was waiting for my order, she said that she and her husband eat there a lot.  She favors the Veggie Wrap, and her husband likes the Spinach Omelet. 

I highly recommend this restaurant for lunch, and I hope someday I can revisit for a breakfast item.  Sorry, I don't know what their hours of operation are, but I can tell you the phone number, 918-488-1855.  Located at 81 & Yale area, in the shopping center with the Food Pyramid.        

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

A Big World...

What a crazy world we live in.  Beautiful, dangerous, incredible.  It is amazing to me how God created each tiny detail to work together with every other tiny detail.  It grows and changes and functions.  Sometimes it might seem like it "malfunctions".  I don't think so. 

I think that the world functions, primarily, in a natural way.  God set it up to evolve and change, like we do, like our bodies do.  He created it to explode now and then, volcanoes.  Crack open and shake, earthquakes.  Sometimes it floods, freezes and boils.  But all of those things happen in the natural course of this planet that God created, with brilliance. 

It can all be explained by science, of course.  But science cannot explain how it was created.  I know that God did it.  He did it right.  Yes, people die.  Babies and innocent children, old people we love and middle aged people that we need.  But everyone dies sooner or later.  There is no promise of 90 years or even 9 years, days or minutes.  That breaks our hearts.  But the planet still spins. 

God's plan still moves forward.  That moves me in a deep way.  I want to be a part of that plan.  My life is so small.  I wonder how many other lives I can touch in my tiny little ink blot of time here?  Will I touch them in a good way, in a God way?  Will I matter at all?  Will my faith have made any difference?  Will the dent I leave on this planet be a good one?  Who will care, in 100 years, about me? 

I don't especially care if anyone knows my name.  Maybe I will be an old photo that makes someone smile.  But I would like to leave a legacy.  A legacy of love and service.  I would like it A LOT, if someday, 100 or more years from now, a little girl, somewhere, with curly hair and brown eyes has an abiding peaceful love of her Maker, because of something I did or said to someone else in my life here and now.  I have to make that mark on my son, or on someone, or it will never happen. 

I am praying earnestly about that these days.      

Friday, March 4, 2011


March is here.  Spring is just around the corner.  As much as I love winter, I am ready for this one to end.  Although I would not mind one more snow fall.  I know that makes me very unpopular in Tulsa! 

I have had some ideas scrolling through my head lately.   Mostly I have been wondering about the pain that we are all hiding.  Don't we all have something painful that shaped us and causes us to behave a certain way? We all deal with it differently.  Some of us eat, do drugs, abuse alcohol, lie, steal or do just ridiculous unrelated things to mask our pain caused by abuse, cruelty, depravation or neglect.  Mostly, for me it is eating.  So when you look at me, please, realize I am more than a fat girl.  I am a soul, with pain.  I probably won't share any or much of it with you.  It is too personal and or embarrasing.  So don't make fun of overweight people.  It is probably more than just poor eating habits.  When you are dealing with a control freak, try to be patient and imagine what sort of pain has led them to this behavior.  He or she is probably desperatly trying to hold his/her world together with some small freakishly odd measure of control.

Lucky people realize what they are doing.  They try to find a way to be healthy and function.  I try to control my eating with my new habit, working out at the gym.  But the stuff that makes me medicate with food is still in there.  Needling me.  What needles you?  You don't have to tell me.  Just think about it, and try to be be kinder to the people around you.  Aren't we all just the walking wounded? 

Thursday, February 24, 2011


Maybe I am tired of worry.
Maybe I am tired of pressure.
Maybe the "big change" will be something I decide. 
Maybe every failure will be someone else's problem for a change.
Maybe I, with God, will control my destiny.

After all, I am the only one who gets gray hair and looses sleep from my worries.
After all, I am the one who bends until she is about to break from the pressure.
After all, what do I have to lose? How much worse could it be?
After all, my efforts are not appreciated, so perhaps they should be redirected.
After all, He is really already in control, I just keep letting other people distract me.

Monday, February 21, 2011


I feel restless.  I can't pin down why.  Dissatisfied and anxious.  Not panicky.  Just Antsy.  Grouchy, picky, agitated and well, just restless.

It feels like change is in the air.  That can be good or bad.  Maybe this is just Spring fever since the weather has been so pleasant for the past week.  I cannot justify my mood and I can't explain.  But change is brewing.  We all know that change can be good or bad.  Perhaps that is why I feel restless? 

Now I have to wait.  Keep busy, do what is right and wait.  Tick, tick, tick...

Monday, February 14, 2011

This week....

This week I would like to be the owner of a big 5 bay car wash. 

I just visited one to wash the muck and grime of 2 weeks worth of nastiness off of the Taurus.  OK, reality check, it was filthy before the blizzard hit, but it was beyond filthy this morning.  Here is why... 

A month ago I gave Jacob a $20 bill and told him to go to Wal-Mart Market and get a bag of Pedigree for the dogs.  I got home and he had, instead, gone to his store, Warehouse Market, and gotten a big (bigger than big) bag of dog food, an off brand, for less than the medium bag of Pedigree.  The dogs ate it one night.  The next night they ate half of it.  The next night they vomited all over the house.  After that they literally went on a hunger strike.  So we caved in and bought Pedigree for them and had the HUGE bag of gross dog food left.  What to do?  I can't bring myself to throw it in the trash.  Kim said he would take it to Mohawk and feed the birds with it.  Didn't happen.  We had a blizzard instead. So during round 3 of our Snowstravaganza he decided to feed the starving birds in the front yard with the terrible dog food.  How did they thank us?  You guessed it.  My car got poop bombed.  It all looks just like that dog food, too.  Thanks Birds, thanks Kim.  Oh, and yes, thanks Jacob!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

just a thought...

"You’ve equated God’s silence with his absence. He isn’t speaking in your relationship with a friend. He isn’t showing up in your marriage. He isn’t leading in what is next for your career. He is silent and feels absent.
But God’s silence is not God’s absence. God’s hiddenness is not abandonment.
You are not alone. No matter how silent God is for you right now…He is not absent."

Justin Davis

Emily shared this with me today...  Thanks Em.


It is one of "those" days.  Work has not gone well today.  I feel unappreciated and well, just spent.  Don't you hate to be compared to someone else and found to be lacking?  I feel like I have value of my own.  Not like anyone else.  SHE is not my yardstick.  I measure myself elsewhere.  I resent someone using her against me.  We are friends, she and I.  When you smack me with her, it hurts us both.  So measure me on my own merits and demerits, please.  Not against her.

OK, moving on...

I was thinking today about my Grams.  She is 89, soon to be 90.  She made me who I am, second only to God.  She is fading.  Like a picture from an old album.  She used to be bright, sharp and colorful.  Now I see confusion, fear, and apathy.  She has mentally surrendered... to what?  I don't know.  I do wish I had captured more from her before she faded.  We did not take the time, and she did not like to talk about her feelings very much.  Mostly, she would answer your questions, and now and then start talking.  But mostly she listened.  I wonder what I did not hear.    What did I miss?

Wow!  What a depressing post.  I hope you had a better day than me!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It feels great!

I am so glad to be back on the treadmill.  As much as I hate exercise, I feel so much better about myself when I am exercising!  It makes no sense because I am no thinner today than I was on Sunday, but for some reason I feel skinnier!  And I feel sore too.  Maybe that is it.  I hurt every time I stand up, sit down, or walk around the room.  The pain reminds me that I feel it because I earned it on the treadmill.  I like that feeling.  Sometimes pain is good.  I am not setting any records for time, but I am increasing my speed by .1 each night, so in a few weeks, I will be right back where I was 6 weeks ago.  Hopefully next week I can resume my weight lifting, too.

Projects...  I want to start a bunch of them.  I am currently working on a little camera bag for Rhonda's mother in law.  I need to wrap it up since it is a birthday gift, and her bday is in February!  Yikes!  I want to make some more dish cloths.  It has been a while since I knitted those.  My aunt wants me to make a baby afghan for her great grandson.  But she has to buy more yarn, and some circular needles.  I also want to make a headband ear warmer thingy.  My friend Adriene has one.  I found a pattern.  I tried to start one, but it rejected me.  :o(  I will keep trying.  It will not defeat me!

Have a great day!     


Monday, January 24, 2011

Just a Short Note

Tonight I am going back to the gym for the first time since my surgery.  I have not been in 6 weeks!  Yikes!  I have to go back, I am feeling like I have lost my weight loss momentum. I suspect I have gained some of my 22 pounds back.  Panic! 

Not sure how this will work.  I am not used to be physically limited.  I like to compete with myself and get a better "time" on the treadmill.  I guess I just need to set the pace tonight.  A modest pace.  Then work at getting better every night. 

I hope you are all having a wonderful day!  I will try to update tomorrow about how this went.

Friday, January 21, 2011


My sister posted recently on her blog ("Working on it"  See sidebar for link) a remark about how people hide behind a smile.  I have to admit that I do that a lot.  Does everyone?  Are we lying with our smiles?  I have been taught to put a good foot forward.  I have been told that a smile makes you prettier.  Keep a stiff upper lip (what the heck does that mean?).  Buck up.  Suck it up.  So I do.  I know I have a lot to hide, but never thought much that other people were doing the same.  What is going on behind your smile?  Are all those smiles hiding pain and secrets like mine does? 

So what is better?  Do we let our expressions mirror our feelings?  That would not be good either.  I can't walk around and display my every feeling on my face.  That would not be a good thing.  It would wear everyone out, and I would look like a train wreck!  But I also want to be honest.  I don't like to think that my smile is a lie!

I have arrived at this conclusion after a few days of mulling it around in the space between my ears.  I have to start the day with a smile.  I have to buck up.  The smile is not so much about my circumstance, or my feelings.  It is about my joy.  Not happiness, joy.  I have joy regardless of my circumstance.  So my smile is not a lie.  It is a choice.  I chose to smile regardless of my circumstance.  If you dig a little deeper, there is a lot more going on, of course, than what the smile might tell you.  And maybe if we are good enough friends, I can share some of it with you.  I chose to smile because I have joy in my heart from the peace my Savior has provided.  I MIGHT have a lot of embarrasing problems that I keep a secret, well, cuz they are ridiculous and embarrasing!  But I know that my problems are here and now.  God is more than big enough to fix them.  Maybe He will chose to fix them, or maybe I will just have to live with them.  But I have a reward waiting.  Bigger and better than my problems.  So I will smile.  I will be joyful.            

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Hello New Year!

I am so glad you are here, 2011!  The old one was REALLY old!  I hope you will be nicer to me than 2010 was, too.  I guess it was mostly my fault, but that year was a real pain!  I plan to be good, work hard, be diligent, worship faithfully and fully, and try to be the person God wants me to be.  I have a picture of her, in my mind.  I will focus on that snapshot and try to become her.  She is smart, focused and tidy.  She balances her checkbook, she saves money, she serves her God and her family and friends.  She goes to the gym and work out 4 times a week.  I hope you (2011) like this girl as much as I do.  Be kind to her, she will need your assistance!

Borrowing Aunt Mary's laptop today to visit the cyber world.  I needed a fix!  Will probably go back to work one week from tomorrow, or maybe on Tuesday instead of Monday.  I missed my blog!