Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Negativity **WARNING** NEGATIVE CONTENT!! Read at your own risk!

October is here.  My favorite time of the year has arrived.  I should be happy.  Suddenly I find myself getting sucked into a hole of negativity.  I don't like it.  I am an optimist.  I am a happy person.  I do know why this is happening.  First, things are catching up to me.  Bad things.  Things I should have done and did not do.  Also, it seems that when things start to go wrong, it snowballs.  I am attracting bad stuff on top of other bad stuff.  Some of it I totally deserve, some of it is random.  Last, work has been bad lately.  I am expected to do the job of 3 people.  I am pretty good at my job, and I can do that sort of thing for a few days, but it has started (after close to 6 weeks) to catch up to me.  Anyway you slice it, I am tired of it.  I want to be positive and up beat again.  I am tired of stress and worry.  I want to fling it off like I fling off the blankets in the middle of a hot flash at night (lol).  But I just can't seem to shake it loose. 

I hear people who say, "In the name of God, I reject this..."  Why I can't I just speak this nonsense into oblivion?  I have asked this question before, and I still struggle with it.  How do I give this burden to God?  How can I just turn lose of something so personal?  Something that I mostly deserve.  It is not God's problem.  I know He is willing to listen, but what do I do to give it to Him?  Can I just pack it up in a suitcase and drop it off at the gates of heaven?  The problem is still here all around me.  The worry is picking at me.  Poking me and cropping up.

I know my life will never be free of worry.  Life is a series of up's and down's.  I am just really sliding down, quickly right now. 

My first post in a while.  Reading back over it, I feel the need to apologize.  So, here I go.  Sorry. this is depressing.  Maybe I will feel better by venting.  This is also a journal of sorts for my life, so maybe in a few years I can look back on this time and see how far I have come.  Maybe I will be so thankful to God for getting me past this.  So I am going to post it anyway, with a warning.