October is here. My favorite time of the year has arrived. I should be happy. Suddenly I find myself getting sucked into a hole of negativity. I don't like it. I am an optimist. I am a happy person. I do know why this is happening. First, things are catching up to me. Bad things. Things I should have done and did not do. Also, it seems that when things start to go wrong, it snowballs. I am attracting bad stuff on top of other bad stuff. Some of it I totally deserve, some of it is random. Last, work has been bad lately. I am expected to do the job of 3 people. I am pretty good at my job, and I can do that sort of thing for a few days, but it has started (after close to 6 weeks) to catch up to me. Anyway you slice it, I am tired of it. I want to be positive and up beat again. I am tired of stress and worry. I want to fling it off like I fling off the blankets in the middle of a hot flash at night (lol). But I just can't seem to shake it loose.
I hear people who say, "In the name of God, I reject this..." Why I can't I just speak this nonsense into oblivion? I have asked this question before, and I still struggle with it. How do I give this burden to God? How can I just turn lose of something so personal? Something that I mostly deserve. It is not God's problem. I know He is willing to listen, but what do I do to give it to Him? Can I just pack it up in a suitcase and drop it off at the gates of heaven? The problem is still here all around me. The worry is picking at me. Poking me and cropping up.
I know my life will never be free of worry. Life is a series of up's and down's. I am just really sliding down, quickly right now.
My first post in a while. Reading back over it, I feel the need to apologize. So, here I go. Sorry. this is depressing. Maybe I will feel better by venting. This is also a journal of sorts for my life, so maybe in a few years I can look back on this time and see how far I have come. Maybe I will be so thankful to God for getting me past this. So I am going to post it anyway, with a warning.